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Those who have been reading my blog from the very start (some are now personal friends of mine, on and offline) probably already know that I created my blog as an outlet. I wasn’t in it for the freebies (I must admit they can be very enticing to newbie bloggers although I never really thought I’d reach a point where I’d be given free stuff), I wasn’t in it for the attention (I was never one to advertise on my blog on my private account), and it definitely wasn’t for the money (I didn’t even know you could earn from blogging!!).

With all honesty, I could tell you that I started my blog because I didn’t have a lot of friends who are into makeup as much as I was. Our class was dominated by boys and my best friend has always been my then-boyfriend so I clearly didn’t have anyone to discuss beauty-related woes with. I started my blog with the sole intention of sharing what I like, and sometimes even ranting about products that let me down. My end-goal was just to talk to people who shared the same enthusiasm about makeup.. which I can proudly say I accomplished.

I don’t know how or why, but eventually people took notice of my blog. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because of my writing skills because I know my reviews weren’t literary masterpiece nor was it  my photography skills because when I started, I used a very poor camera phone coupled with zero editing skills. But somehow I got my blog off the ground.

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Fast-forward to a few years of blogging and I was able to secure a handful of sponsors and a few legit ambassadorships for known brands. My blog opened a lot of doors for me, introduced me to a ton of great people who inspires me until now, but best of all, I met genuine friends who still talk to me even when I fell off the blogsphere.

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I liked how I was slowly being identified as a blogger. In a room full of accountancy students, being the only blogger is what set me apart and the same goes when I started working. I liked being something other than an auditor in a big firm where almost everyone is an auditor. The idea of it makes me believe that I have the so-called work/life balance despite my line of work.

Sounds great. So, what went wrong? In the span of 5 years, I watched myself change. I was becoming more and more insecure, and my blog was feeding it. I was constantly comparing myself with everyone around me. Instead of making me confident, my blog became a tool for me to teardown my own self-esteem, picking on every imperfection.

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You see, no matter how good a blogger you are, not that I’m saying I am, there will always be times when you will not be invited to events you like or you will not receive the same PR kits as your fellow bloggers. This is pretty much common and so this should not cause you any distress. There will always be some people who will not like you or you’re simply not the best fit for the brand, accept it. Well, I thought I did. I did not harbor ill-feelings toward the PR or the organizers, but I cannot help but think that maybe there was something I was doing wrong or maybe I wasn’t doing enough for my blog.

Competition is nothing new in blogging, although not as toxic as it is for YouTubers. I think it can be healthy in small doses. But it was never small doses with me. I would envy friends who get invited to an event I like. My entire day would be ruined if I get a loot any less than what others receive. I throw money in the wind for the newest makeup tho hit the shelves just to impress followers. If I was a teeny tiny bit materialistic before I started my blog, I was the monstrous kind of materialistic before I took a break. I just didn’t like it, didn’t like me, anymore. And it took me a while to realize that it had nothing to do with the people around me; it as just me and how I saw myself.

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I wasn’t blogging to gain beauty insights or to meet people anymore. I was no longer writing because I like it; I was doing it to meet a certain number of views, gain followers and ultimately to get more sponsors. It was all about the statistics for me. I was so caught up with being a “blogger” that I forgot that I was something other than that. It was so toxic that what started to be an outlet became something that caused me stress and insecurities.

So, I thought about letting it go. I was contemplating on deleting my blog and just let the professionals do it. I thought, maybe I outgrew blogging? Maybe it just wasn’t my cup of tea anymore? Maybe.

While trying to figure things out, I discovered something else I love, traveling. I’ve traveled far more times these past 5 months than the past 6 years combined. I even went abroad BY MYSELF for the very first time! I’m so proud of myself, haha. I think traveling gave me a new perspective, showed me a different version of myself. And the more I discover myself outside of the blog scene, the more I am confident that ‘hindi na ako kakainin ng sistema’ when I do decide to blog again. HAHAHA!

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I no longer wish to be identified as a ‘just another blogger’ because I am much more than that. I can now confidently say that I’m in this just because I enjoy it. I don’t feel the pressure of updating my blog every X number of days or meeting X number of views. No burden, just pure love for beauty and writing.

I can’t say that I’ll be blogging as much I as did before, but I will still be posting every now and then. I’ll probably be focusing on travel posts, my weight loss journey and maybe some beauty stuff because, who am I kidding, makeup is a big part of who I am. Oh by the way, I’m actually towards the last few sessions of my professional makeup classes!

Hopefully after the much-needed hiatus to rediscover my core purpose for blogging, I can find my way back to where I started, with the same goals but with more things to share. Wish me luck! <3